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bathory's Journal
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Date:2006-01-07 19:29
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I got a new computer. I got a new computer.:)

It's beautiful, I want to sleep with it:)It's my first laptop ever... and I'm in love!

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Date:2005-11-29 15:00
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Hey! You... Go bid on some of Lincoln's shit... You know you want it... Look how great it is... Seriously.... Don't make me spite you.

Lincoln's Ebay Junk:)

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Date:2005-09-19 15:09
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I'm obsessed with this Gorillaz album....



seriously... it's sick... i haven't been this into listening to a cd since i was in high school...

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Date:2003-01-07 09:24
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Melt snow!!! Melt i say!

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Date:2002-12-09 04:51
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grrr....

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Date:2002-07-03 09:55
Subject:for the laymen... it's just gibberish;P
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On my drive home last night from what was a not so entertaining night of me trying to be comical.
My mind wandered, perusual, and i start inventing some story line in my head. Usual these stories are something that i invent to scare myself into not wanting to get out of my car... but last night i was driving down the road and I felt like i was driving at high speeds up (or down) a mountain that was covered by blueberry bushes. Now it's really not so unusual and not nearly as strange as it seems. Seeing as though when i was little we'd go blueberry picking all the time and my mom's friend Tucker would take me all over the mountains on his 4-wheeler. Always chilly... always foggy... and always surreal. The whole mental image was really very nice... until i broke out into song and ruined the moment... "I found my thrill... on blueberry hill..." What? I never said i was sane....

God knows the nonsense going on around these parts. I'm being forced to go to Barnardsville tomorrow... which i'm really not too excited about. My sister is super depressed and is living with the biggest asshole known to mankind. Men seriously frustrate me. My sister is going to have this baby in two days... this baby is huge... she has all sorts of complications... and she never gets to rest because Pandora never stops. Glenn comes home and is a total dick to her. Yesterday he said something shitty about my sister to HER doctor and it totally broke my sister's heart because now she feels like the one person she really could trust in thinks she's a terrible person. The other day he took her all over god knows where and she felt so sick that she begged him to take her home... it was all she could do to get to bed. Woke up later too drained to even moved and asked him if he'd make her a sandwich or something and he told her he didn't fucking care if she was hungry, he'd been working all day and wasn't doing shit for her. Ahh now i see what all those girly notions of marriage and babies where all about.... Fuck that shit. I'd rather be alone my entire life than ever have to put up with that.

Alright i'm done;)

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Date:2002-07-01 21:40
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I've got nothing real to write about... but i'm bored.
I'm going to have a nephew by Friday Evening. I'll take gobs of ugly newborn pictures and share;) Oh come on... you know you think newborns are ugly too....

Work is wearing me out... inbetween a million MISS JENNIFER! SUCH AND SUCH DID THIS!!!!... a million bloody noses... a million bumps on the head... a million tummy aches... ugh. My self centeredness is being taken away and i don't like it. Despite my natural generousity... i need to be selfish on a regular basis to regulate myself and i'm not getting the opportunity to.

A million things going through my head still... Mostly i just want to see someone jump through hoops for me... isn't that terrible? There was this guy last school year... i don't know what he saw in me... but despite my insistance that i would not cheat on my current boyfriend *grumble* he pursued me and pursued me... bought me things and took me to movies, read me poetry... god knows the nonsense he was willing to shell out... he even Offered massages (which i never took!) The one person i could call... aside from katie... at 4 am and make him walk around campus with me because the world was shattering and i just needed someone to bring me back down to earth. It wasn't cheating, i never even touched the guy... i even rejected hugs... i knew he had other intentions ... and i basically used him (shame on me)... but he knew it and didn't care. It's just nice to have someone who really wants to do those things for you even if you feel there is no strings attached. Lincoln used to... but i really think he's too preoccupied and i'm too far away at the moment. I'm not saying i need some guy to step into my life and wisk me away... the only person i want any of this nonsense from is lincoln anyway... not to say that he isn't wonderful just the same... I just want to feel like i'm top priority for someone...

Anyway... work... more work... holiday... babies.... i've got some sort of stomach bug... i need to go to sleep and quit rambling about things that make no sense.

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Date:2002-06-27 22:25
Subject:"I've never felt such heart ache..." ------ "Over what?" ------ "I don't know..."
Security:Public

I'm so scattered... i want to scream. I want to burst into tears for no real reason. I want something new and something fresh that i'm just not getting and i'm afraid i never will. I'm worried my decision making has been done for terrible reasons, reasons i'm not even sure of. I'm worried that i picked a career because it was something i could hold on to, it was secure, set, and unchanceable... all because i'm so afraid of unlevel ground. I needed something concrete amongst the hectic college life. And now i'm not even sure if i'm capable of upholding such a job for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure i want to....
My entire being.. my sound entire being based upon a set path... has been one which i shouldn't have allowed myself to continue down. My relationships with people, my relationships with myself... they don't make me happy and they're not the way i want to be living my life yet i'm too afraid to make changes... to take chances and move on to something new and possibly better. Who knows... i may not even want something new but i know i deserve to chance to make certain that what i'm doing is right for me. Shit...i don't even know who the hell i am. Today i caught myself holding back... i do it all the time. Why? I don't even know. How fair is that? Why is it that i get upset over things and yet i can't even tell you what i'm upset about?
.Meeting with Franklin's parents... his ratical behavior and outbursts over practically nothing. We poke... and poke trying to get him to tell us why... How the hell is he supposed to know why he behaves a particular way at 5 when i can't even explain my behaviors and thoughts at the age of 20.

How does one begin to figure out what exactly it is that they want out of life? How do you begin to learn who you are? I feel so left in the dark... someone ripped this part of my manual out... law suit... that's what i'm thinking....

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Date:2002-06-15 20:40
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Someone put this boy in a box and ship him to me immediately. Oh yes... also undress him and have him waiting for me in my bed.

I'm lonely just thinking about sleeping alone tonight... My short visit did nothing but tease me and make me miss him more. It was a wonderful visit though...

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Date:2002-06-12 15:47
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My parents gave away my piano... and when i say MY piano i mean it. That piano was bought for me when i was in Kindergarten so that i could learn to play. It's no Grand piano... it wasn't expensive... but i thought it was beautiful and it was mine... Of course shortly there after i gave up piano lessons. I think it was some traumatic response to losing my best friend who took lessons with me. But throughout the years i taught myself how to play things by ear... of course i'm no pianist... but i would love to really learn to play. Me and that Piano bonded... it was MY piano. Yeah... it wasn't worth shit and it was just taking up space but it was mine none the less... and my parents gave it away. I'm remotely okay with it though... they gave it to Habitat for Humanity... maybe some random family who doesn't have much will get the pleasure of having my shitty piano to play around on. Assuming that happens.... i'll be A-O-K.

Talked to Holly and she lifted my spirits... i've been in a rotten mood all day. I allow myself to be affected by the most ridiculous things and from then on everything else goes down hill. The smallest things turn into huge ordeals and life just crumbles before me. I got home from work and tore myself into pieces but i'm alright now. I kicked myself in the butt a few times to knock some sense into myself... i think it worked....

Work somehow managed to let me off next Friday... while still giving me a full 40 hours. But i'm going to briefly visit lincoln this weekend... Who knows if he'll wanna see me the following weekend... Kelly However has Tuesday off and is working all day Friday... so i may switch with her and go to Atlanta with my friends Tuesday. When else am i gonna get a chance to spend time with them outside of Asheville?... that's right... never. We'll see.

Bri's birthday bash is at the end of the month... i may go to Charlotte and chill with him. TRY and talk kate into going with me without Erick of course... he can't drink anyway and wouldn't have any fun. Doubt it'll happen but you never know. Also try and see if Holly will come up. That'd be the shit;) I miss my holly.

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Date:2002-06-12 05:59
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I hate how i can go from ten to zero in a matter of seconds.
I feel terrible this morning, my stomach is torn up because of hormones and nerves. Not to mention extremely painful cramps that are making me nauseated. I've not had cramps this bad in some time...
Thank God i only work till 12.
I can't even find it within myself to put some makeup on so i don't look quite so frightening.

I want lots of money so i can fly to Spain and hide in Kyle's Suitcase...

... and down come the tears... gah...

Alright... i better snap out of this or i'm going to have one hell of a nasty day...

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Date:2002-06-11 18:32
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I'm totally exhausted... extremely sun burnt, and full of chlorine. However i'm in a surprisingly good mood and very thankful that i wasn't home today to hear about how my sister's medical insurance was cancelled. Jesus Christ... i swear God is out to get my sister. It's her own damn fault for marrying a fool i say. Eh well... i want a shower... some food and lots of sleep. Tomorrow won't be such a long day... Thursday on the other hand... will be extremely long. 11 hours of work... then 3 hours of driving... but then... I get to see my gorgeous baby;) So it'll all be worth it!

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Date:2002-06-07 11:23
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UGH.... okay so i called the Reality place in Greensboro where me and Holly are getting our apartment in August. And the chick must have been in a good mood today because she was being all sorts of nice.
I talked to her about which location we could get an apartment in and bleh bleh bleh... and then she tells me i need to get up there this coming week to sign a lease if i only want to pay a $100 because supposedly the whole thing is ending this weekend. Fuck me. That's awesome that i can just get away with a $100 deposit... shit i'll go pay it and sign the lease and holly can pay me back later... but what sucks is Lincoln won't even be around this weekend. So i can try and get a day off work drive up there and come back the same day... which i don't know if i can handle all that... or i can wait... and have to pay $500 for a deposit. Someone out there really fucking hates me i've decided. Oh and supposedly the apartment we want is already taken... which sucks but there is another opening in that same courtyard which she said was really nice so we'll see..

Anyway... right now i just need to worry about being at work in an hour... my eyes are so fucked up from being at the eye doctor. They numbed my eyeballs... and then dialated them... So i look like some sort of evil rodent. It's kind of funny actually;)

Just called Holly and her surgery is all over and done with. She's still excited about the apartment.. lets just hope i can get up there and get that $100 deposit and go on about my business for the rest of the summer.

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Date:2002-06-06 19:05
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Today was totally exhausting... i was ready to pull my hair out about million times throughout the day. I called lincoln briefly during my short break just to have someone over 6 to talk to... plus i just wanted to talk to him. He told me Holly came by to visit and that she might hang out tonight which is awesome i hope she does she needs someone to spend sometime with before her surgery tomorrow... but i've never been so jealous. It's not that i think holly is gonna do anything or lincoln is gonna do anything... it's just that i've not seen him in almost 3 weeks and she gets to... ;) Pathetic hu?
It's strange though... i feel like i've really been handling being away pretty well... yes i'd like to talk to him more often then i do but i've not been totally torn up about not seeing him... mostly because i've been too busy to think about it. But now... i want more than anything to hop in my car and head down to greensboro as fast as i can... bah. And I probably won't get to see him for another 3 weeks or so... *growls* Eh well... what can you do?

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Date:2002-06-03 18:32
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One of my kids bought me earrings for my birthday. Although my kids were unbearable today... little things like them coloring pictures for me, and little presents only reinforce my want to be a educator.

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Date:2002-06-02 21:08
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My day has been slightly pissy. Me and Pandora went out to Exotic Pets to see if they had any hedgehogs, which they did. I was more about the little chihuahua though. He was gorgeous... had markings unlike any chihuahua that i've seen... i didn't even recognize that that's what he was. Anyway... left there went other places and started for home when mom's car fucked up on me. Getting off I-40 onto 240 and on the ramp the engine shuts down and the wheel locks up. I've got pandora in the car... cars are on my ass and i can't control the stupid bronco. I Panic... some how manage to get the car in the grass.... Ugh... took me a good 10 minutes to get it to unlock. I come home and mom bitches at me... right. Since then my mom has done nothing but jump down my back. I called lincoln... he acted about as interested in talking to me as a popsicle stick. It wasn't that he sounded uninterested... but kind of shifty. Maybe i'm making it up.. i don't know. But the lack of interest in his voice just made me that more frustrated with my day. I call him and i can't get two words out of him. Soo i've got to wait for him to call me for him to actually talk. And he's called me twice recently but that's just cause it's been my birthday. Usually he calls me about never. Which sucks cause i hardly get to talk to him online anymore. Whatever. But there was that...
And then Pandora is acting all wild and mom orders me to take her home. I've been all over the place today, i don't wanna drive by myself so i tell her to come along. Big mistake. She bitches the whole way there... she bitches at Andy's. We get in the car and she bitches some more. Tells me i'm driving too fast. I'm going 49 in a 45 mind you... and 60 in a 55. Now when my mom came to Greensboro and i followed her into winston i couldn't keep up with her because she was driving so fast. And she has the nerve to tell me i drive to fast. What the fuck ever.
As stupid as it sounds i seriously think she's pissy with me because my waist is smaller than hers. All she's said to me today is how she's sooo fat in the middle and i'm not nearly is bad. I say... Lets start walking together in the evenings... she says No! You just do your thing and i'll do mine. Alright... next time you start bitching because i'm in Greensboro and too far away to do anything with you... remember all those times i suggested we hang out and you blew me off. Fuck that. What the fuck is wrong with people. I'm starting to feel like i have some disease that spreads just by looking in my general direction. The people i care most about in the world could give a fuck and i'm sick of it. Katie has yet to make contact with me... instead she tells nina she's not gonna hang out with me and to pass the word on. Pathetic. I'm getting very resentful... i feel the need to do evil deeds. People better watch out... that's all i'm saying....

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Date:2002-06-02 01:55
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Mood: horny

*pout*
I need some lovin'
*shakes fists*

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Date:2002-06-01 22:17
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I'm getting a pet Hedgehog and that's all there is to it....

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Date:2002-06-01 01:32
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Argh... i had one hell of a strange night... i might go as far as calling it surreal. I won't bother with the details... but oi. All in all this was a pretty decent birthday... one of the better ones i've experienced within the past few years.

On that note i'm taking my slightly buzzed self to bed.

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Date:2002-05-31 20:59
Subject:Bleh... Birthdays.
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So it's my birthday... i worked all day which is okay. Working with Kids especially when they know it's your birthday or some other special day is always nice. They make a point of reminding you that they know every second by saying it, giving you a hug, or making you something:) They were the first to say happy Birthday to me this morning and the first to sing to me so i was in a pretty good mood all day.
Came home and had cake and pizza with my whole family, i didn't know my sister and pandora were coming over so that was wonderful. Lincoln called, and i wish more than anything that i could spend my birthday with him, but i'm alright. He's been very sweet, sent me a text message, which he's more than welcome to keep those text messages coming, they make my day when i check my phone during my 10 minute break. He posted in his journal and he called me. I forced him to stay on the phone although neither of us really had much to say. It was just nice to have the presence of him even if it was just by the phone.

I don't know what i'm gonna do tonight, i've been sort of invited to my friend's brother's party. I figure i might as well go over there and have a beer or two. Socialize and come home. Who knows... might be fun. Nina wants me to come over and sit around her house with her... i'd rather sit around my own house if that's all i'm gonna do.

I think tomorrow i may wake up bright and early and hunt for yard sales. See if i can find some things to put in my apartment or some inexpensive toys for my kids at school. Maybe see if there is anything Lincoln would be interested in. I don't know... I need to wake up early though and keep myself in the habit of waking up. If not my summer is going to be 10 times more exhausting. I'm glad i'm working so much though, the money means extra security for me which is always nice.

I wonder if my parents would get mad if i colored this dog with a purple marker? I'd write Happy Birthday Jenny right across his back;)! Yeah.... that'd be the shit.

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